Thoughts on Becoming a Dad – Week 37+ Edition

“Did your wife get ugly?” the hair stylist asked.

“No! She’s beautiful!” I replied.

“It’s a boy.  Girls steal your beauty.”

Everyone has an opinion – yet only one person knows – if it’s a boy or a girl.  And that person isn’t one of us.  The ultrasound technician at Palisades Medical Center knows.  The envelope, sealed and stapled shut, knows.  But neither the technician nor the paper envelope are talking.

Baby’s arrival is getting closer by the day.  As of this past Monday, he/she is technically at term.  It can be at any time.

“Are you ready?” is a question bouncing around in my bean lately.  In many ways, I am as ready as I think I can be.  The nursery is built, the crib is assembled, the baby clothes are hanging in the newly-built closet.  The to-do list has dwindled considerably.  True, we don’t yet have life insurance. I still need to complete the edits on our wills.  But if baby decides to arrive today, we have all we need physically to care for him/her.   But while we are waiting for this arrival, perhaps the hardest part so far is getting ready emotionally and mentally.

It’s a scary thing this impending fatherhood.  I’m 35 and set in my ways.  I like my routine.  I like the freedom of meeting the work pals for happy hour at the Faculty Club.  I like the option of planning Momofuku Fried Chicken dinners, or impromptu oyster nights.  This will soon all change, I know.  I feel like a dick typing this.  I certainly don’t mean to sound like I’m regretful.  I feel selfish.  But this is where my mind goes.  I know for a fact that our lives with change dramatically, yet the reality of this change is unclear to me right now.   It’s a great unknown and I’m scared.  Until I meet this child and it looks up at me – and despite the pointy bulges in Erin’s belly and the epic hiccups like those baby had this morning – it’s all an abstract.

So, I wait.  And I wonder.  While we wait, we field opinions and guesses on boy or girl.

Even the ferry guy Cosmo has one: “So anyway, it’s a boy!”  He, like everyone else, has a 50/50 shot at being right.

Thoughts on Becoming a Dad – Week 35 Edition

At the week 22 mark, I posted a note on Facebook with some of my thoughts at the time on the issue of becoming a dad.  I pledged in that note that I would try to write a blog post at regular intervals about the experience as something of a historical record.  Not surprisingly, I’ve been lax in my blogging.  With some additional thoughts pouding at the inside surface of my bean, it’s time to write another.  I have no idea if the following will make any sense to anyone else.  But the thought purge is useful.

The BIG DAY is getting closer.  At Erin’s last OB appointment, the doctor informed us that if “labor started now, we won’t stop it.”  Obviously, that means our baby is fully formed and ready to live in the big, bad outside world.  The rest of his/her time in the womb is fine-tuning systems and gaining weight.

On the outside, I am calm in the face of this extraordinary change that Erin and I are about to experience.  On the inside, it’s a different story.  My head is filled with thoughts on the changes ahead.  For the first time in my life, I have the occasional heart palpitation – little flutters and skipped beats, usually in bed at night – that belie my external calm.  I know it’s nothing serious, but I guess I’m more stressed than even I think I am.

Those who know me personally know how much – and for how long – I look forward to becoming a father.   I’ve long dreamed of watching Phillies/Eagles games with my little boy/little girl in my arms or on my knee.  I’ve recently daydreamed of playing whiffle ball in the yard or pushing a swing in Elysian Park.  The mere thought of watching my son or daughter reel in his or her first sunfish is bringing tears to my eyes as I type this.  Not to be crass, but this is a big fucking deal.

Some things have surprised me with this process.  I never realized before we were expecting how much one has to contemplate his own death when a new child is coming into the world.  Life insurance and the writing of wills become extremely important.  Even though I’m happily married, I’ve never had another human being completely dependent upon me.  Come September – or sooner – I will.  The issue of religion is a challenging one, also.  I grew up going to church – attending Sunday School and Vacation Bible School at the Mennonite Chapel early in life – and later attending services at the Methodist church.  It was a part of my upbringing and certainly contributed to my moral development.  As an adult, however, I am ambivalent about religion.  I was a professional church-goer for much of my adult life.  Church was a job.  I was paid to sing and read a magazine during the sermon.  What’s more, so much of the stuff that I disagree with politically – the bigotry of the religious right against gays, particularly – is propagated by churches.   I guess at this point in my life, I would classify myself as an agnostic.  I do sincerely hope there this a God and a Heaven, but I admittedly have doubts.  How can I teach my child something I don’t necessarily believe in?  Then again, how can my child form their own opinions about religion – as both Erin and I did – without going in the first place?  Clearly, I’m still grappling with this.

I’m sure we’ll find our way.

In the mean time, I have some social events to plan before the new baby arrives.  There will be a Phillies game against the Mets.  There will be post-rehearsal drinks with Rod and the boys.  As a very wise Alan stated previously, there will be beer.  And soon I’ll be a dad.

That still blows my mind.